EXT. SNOWY FOREST
We start with a snowman walking through a forest.

TALKING SNOWMAN
There was a time, long ago… well, maybe not that long ago. There was a time, not too long ago, when Christmas was almost ruined. And it wasn't by some unnatural force, it wasn't by a horrible snowstorm and it wasn't someone with miser in his name. But, let's not get too ahead of ourselves, here. It all started out on a cold December night, the night before Christmas.

EXT. PETE AND JOHNNY'S HOUSE

A small house, the bottom floor's lights are on and there are decorations outside, splayed about very shoddily. Inside, Pete is watching TV and Johnny is shaking one of his presents. Janney walks from the kitchen and up the steps.

INT. PETE AND JOHNNY'S HOUSE

JANNEY
G'night, everybody. See you bright and early tomorrow.

PETE AND JOHNNY
Night, Janney.

PETE
(To Johnny) Put that present down. You only have to wait ten more hours before you can open it.
Johnny sets the present down and flops down from his knees to his butt.

JOHNNY
I'm bored, Pete. And I'm too awake to sleep.

PETE
Wanna watch 'It's a Wonderful Life' with me?

JOHNNY
Again? Haven't you seen that, like a million times already this year?

PETE
I can't help it. Ever since Ted Turner started the all "It's a Wonderful Life' channel for Christmas, I've been hooked. 24 hours a day from Thanksgiving night through midnight New Years eve. What else did you want to do?

Marc the talking dog walks in, carrying a leash attached to a collar that's already around his neck.

MARC
Well, you could take me for my walk.

Pete and Johnny stare at Marc, trying to hold back a laugh.

MARC
What? I might be a talking dog but I still need to be walked.

PETE
Yeah, sure. I got it. Johnny, why don't you go get the milk and cookies and put them on the TV.

JOHNNY
Yay!

Johnny runs to the kitchen and Pete grabs the leash.

PETE
God, Marc. Two years of law school and you still need to be walked?

MARC
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just remember the rules, keep your eyes away from my ass.

Pete shuts the door behind him and Johnny gallops out of the kitchen setting the milk and cookies on the TV. He looks around, then sneaks upstairs. Seconds later, he jumps back downstairs, softly giggling as he drops something into the milk.

A few minutes later…

Pete and Marc walk back in the house, and Pete removes the collar from Marc's neck.

JOHNNY
Well, look at the time, I'm so tired, -yawn- I need to get some sleep, g'night everyone.

Johnny runs up the steps. Pete and Marc just stare at each other. Pete shrugs, then plops on his chair and continues to watch "It's a Wonderful Life'. Fade out.

EXT. ROOF OF HOUSE

Hours later. All the lights are off. There is a sleigh and eight reindeer on top of the house, and a small glow inside the living room window.
INT. PETE AND JOHNNY'S HOUSE

Santa is sneaking around with a flashlight.

SANTA
Where are those god damn cookies. They know the rules: no cookies, no presents. If they… Ah, there they are.

Santa walks over to the cookies and stuffs them into a pouch, then drinks the milk in one gulp.

SANTA
URP Those will be some great cookies, but I think their milk is going bad. Maybe I should… check the… uh…

Santa stops moving and places a hand on his head.

SANTA
I should… check…

THUMP

Soon after…
Pete walks downstairs, staring at the Christmas tree. Startled, he stops at the bottom step, staring at Santa Claus.

PETE
(shouting)
JOHNNY!!!! Get down here now!

As Pete walks over to Santa, Johnny jogs down the steps.

PETE
What did you do, Johnny?

JOHNNY
With what?

PETE
Why is there a dead fat man in our living room?

JOHNNY
He's not dead, Pete. Just drugged.

PETE
You drugged SANTA CLAUS?!

JOHNNY
Yeah, calm down. I just wanted to see what he looked like. He'll wake up in a few hours, no prob.

PETE
No prob? SANTA CLAUS is drooling on our carpet right now! That's a big "prob."

Marc the talking dog walks downstairs. Janney also follows, rubbing her eyes.

JANNEY
What's going on? Why is everyone yelling? Who's the… Santa?

PETE
Johnny decided to drug Santa.

MARC
Oh, OK. That explains it.

PETE
What were you thinking?

JOHNNY
He looks so peaceful. Look at him.

PETE
What are we going to do? Without Santa to deliver the presents, Christmas won't be the same.

JOHNNY
We could just take all the presents and sell them on E-BAY®?

Pete stares at Johnny.

JOHNNY
Or not…

JANNEY
I thought you were smarter than this.

JOHNNY
Apparently I'm not, Janney.

PETE
Think, Johnny. What are we supposed to do?

JOHNNY
Go back to bed?

JANNEY
What do they do in all those christmas shows we watch on TV?

MARC
They'd put on the Santa suit and deliver the rest of the presents, I'd guess.

JOHNNY
I am so down for the wacky mischief that will ensue because of this.

PETE
OK…

JOHNNY
Really?

MARC
So who's going to be Santa?

Fade out.

EXT. PETE AND JOHNNY'S ROOF

Fade in to the roof of the Slackers house, Marc is wearing Santa's hat and sitting in the front of the sleigh with Pete. Janney and Johnny are sitting behind Marc, in the sleigh.

PETE
Well? Let's get going, Santa Marc.

MARC
I have a problem with this…

PETE
Don't worry, Marc. You'll do fine as Santa.

MARC
No, not that. I love being in power. Johnny, get me some toilet water for the trip, I might get thirsty.

Johnny jumps from the sleigh and crawls through the attic window.

PETE
Then, what's the problem?

JANNEY
Fear of heights?

PETE
A distaste of Christmas cliches?

MARC
Never mind.

Johnny gets back in the sleigh with a thermos of toilet water.

JOHNNY
Are we ready?

MARC
Yeah, hold on tight.

Marc pauses, then turns to Pete.

MARC
Here Pete. (He drops the reins on Pete's lap) Can you hold the reins? I don't… have opposable thumbs.

PETE
Sure, Marc. (He holds the reins and shakes them quickly) Hee-yaw! Giddy up reindeer.

Nothing happens.

PETE
Giddy up, reindeer. On Dasher, on Comet, on Cupid and Clinton. On TV and radio, on mazda and Benson.

Pete turns to Marc.

PETE
So, how do you make it go?

EXT. ROOF OF HOUSE

Marc, Pete and Johnny pushing the sleigh and barely moving it. Janney is holding the reigns at the front of the sleigh.

PETE
How are we going to deliver these presents when we can't even move the sleigh?

Janney looks at the dashboard in front of her. She stares at a button marked ignition and smiles.

JANNEY
Everybody, get in. I found it.

EXT. THE CLOUDS IN THE SLEIGH

Pete, Johnny, Janney and Marc are flying through the sky in a sleigh pulled by 8 reindeer. There's a small beeping just barely heard.

MARC
Ingenious! Santa made a mechanical set of reindeer to pull his sleigh.

JOHNNY
That's great and all, but what's that beeping noise?

Pete looks around.

PETE
Oh, that's just the seatbelt warning going off. Everybody buckle up.

Everybody pulls out a belt from their seats and buckles it.

JANNEY
What's that gauge for? It looks like fuel, but there are different symbols.

She points to a gauge with a full circle at the very left, a ¾ circle, ½ circle, and ¼ circle, with E at the end.

PETE
Looks like the fuel gauge. What are those circles for?

MARC
Cookies?

PETE
So Santa powers his sleigh with cookies?

MARC
Why not?

Johnny pulls out a list that was lying next to his feet and unrolls it.

JOHNNY
Hey, Pete. I found the list of children that we need to deliver to.

PETE
Great, who's first on the list?

JOHNNY
Billy.

PETE
Who's Billy? And where does he live?

JOHNNY
I don't know. That's the only thing on this list. I have a list of children's names. I guess Santa memorized the addresses of all the kids. That's kinda… Creepy.

MARC
I'll say… Well, is there any type of GPS system here?

PETE
On a sleigh?

MARC
We're riding on Santa's sleigh powered by mechanical reindeer and children's COOKIES! What of any of this seems logical to you?

PETE
True.

Pete lifts up a small cover on the dashboard. It's an onstar button.

PETE
Marc, look at this. Santa has onstar.

Pete presses the button.

ONSTAR
Santa prime responding, what is your status, Santa 242?

PETE
Er… fine?

ONSTAR
Santa 242, what is the problem?

PETE
Um… well, you see…. Santa 242 is… laying in my living room right now. My friend drugged him and…

ONSTAR
WHAT?! Pick up Santa 242 and return him to headquarters now!

INT. SANTA DELIVERY CO INC FLIGHT DECK

Wacky transitional music and we fade in with the unconscious Santa at the feet of Pete, Johnny, Janney and Marc inside the headquarters of the Santa Delivery Co. Inc. An elf walks up to them.

ELF (ROY)
I can't believe this! A whole part of the United States won't get presents because you were curious what Santa looked like!

Pete and Johnny turn and look at each other. They look back at Roy.

ROY
Do you have any idea of what will happen now that he can't complete his delivery?

JOHNNY
A few spoiled little brats will get 1 or 2 less presents this Christmas?

ROY
Well… yeah… But also the orphanages won't get any presents. The sick children in hospitals won't get anything… The kids with parents that have to decide on rent or presents will go without anything.

PETE
Yeah… That sucks. So, when do we get to go home?

ROY
You don't understand the ramifications of what you're doing! The children won't believe in Santa anymore… A little bit of their innocence will be stripped away.

JOHNNY
Damn shame…

JANNEY
That's so sad.

PETE
Well, we were going to finish Santa's run…

ROY
Are you crazy? You can't make Santa's deliveries in time! I'll call another Santa to finish the deliveries and drop you three screw-ups back at your house.

Roy walks away. Pete and Johnny look at each other, then down to Marc, who is licking himself. Marc glances up at them, then stops licking and looks up.

MARC
What? When I get nervous I get fidgety. One thing led to another and…

PETE
I don't wanna know…

JOHNNY
But… But this isn't how it's supposed to go! We're supposed to put on the uniform and deliver the presents to all the kids, that's how stories like these work.

PETE
Who do you think you are, Tim Allen?

JOHNNY
Aroo?

Johnny forms a devilish look on his face. He suddenly sprints for the sleigh and jumps in.

PETE
Johnny! What do you think you're doing?

JOHNNY
Finishing the story how it's meant to be. With us being recruited to save the day!

PETE
Don't be an idiot. You heard the midget, they have spare Santa's to finish the run. And they can do it on time, too!

JOHNNY
Like that matters. I'm going to be a hero.

MARC
Johnny's an idiot.

PETE
He is. But he'll also get himself killed if we don't get in and help.

Cut to Marc sitting next to Johnny with the Santa hat on.

MARC
Already there, big guy.

The sled engine roars as the sled shoots through the elves warehouse. The alarm sounds and the elves start running into positions.

JOHNNY
Faster Pete, they're doing something!

Other sleds manned with very upset elves appear behind them.

JANNEY
Pete, they're chasing us!

Sleds also move to positions in front of them, blocking the exit. Pete looks around the console. There's a feedback in the speakers right before an announcement is made.

SPEAKER ANNOUNCEMENT
Warning: Sled theft in progress. Containment status Jolly now in effect. Repeat, containment status Jolly is in effect.

Janney pulls a stuffed bunny from the Santa bag and tosses it at the sled chasing them. It hits a reindeer and bounces off.

PETE
Ah, this might do something...

Pete pushes a button labeled Rudolph Defense System. The lead mechanical reindeers nose lights up and fires, grazing past the sled in front of him.

JOHNNY
(laughing)
Hell yeah! Now these are some reindeer games I can get into!

Pete fires once more, hitting the reindeer and causing the sled to have to land. They explode through the doors, all of them shouting out with glee. Gun turrets emerge from the ground but miss the sled as it shoots off to the sky.

EXT. NORTH POLE SKY

JOHNNY
We still have one following us.

JANNEY
Got it.

Janney pulls out a wooden toy train from the bag.

JANNEY
Who the heck wants one of these anymore that wasn't born a hundred and fifty years ago?

Johnny peaks into the bag.

JOHNNY
They got an X-Box in there?

Janney tosses the train which slams into a reindeers head, exposing electronics that are now dented and sparking. That sled begins to slow down and lose altitude. Janney celebrates and hugs Johnny.

PETE
Nice work, Janney.

They fly to safety. Eventually they all relax. Pete puts the sleigh on auto pilot and turns to Johnny and Janney, who are still looking in the bag for cool stuff.

JOHNNY
Easy Bake Oven? They still make those?

JANNEY
Heck yeah, and they're awesome! But don't try cooking eggs in it.

JOHNNY
Why, did it short out the oven, or something?

JANNEY
No, it was just all runny and gross.

PETE
Do either of you know where we should be heading?

JOHNNY
I thought you knew?

PETE
I guess we could try a house and see how it goes. Where should we try first?

Janney picks up the list of kids names.

JANNEY
Hmm, I say we start with Benjamin.

A panel on the dashboard lights up.

PANEL
Turn right twenty-five degrees.

JANNEY
Hey, look at that, the sleigh knows which kid that is!

PETE
It's a good a place as any to start. To Benjamin's house!

JOHNNY
This truly is a magical night.

MARC
The night will end with a paw up your butt if you keep on talking like that, Johnny.

EXT. BENJAMIN'S ROOF

The sleigh lands with a loud thump.

PETE
Sorry...

JOHNNY
Are you licensed to fly this thing?

PETE
Seriously?

JOHNNY
Have you been drinking "the nog?"

PETE
Johnny!

MARC
Does it say what Little Benjamin wants for Christmas?

JANNEY
No. That would make it too easy, wouldn't it? There's only a list of names here.

JOHNNY
It's too bad we can't stick our hand in the bag and ask for Benjamin's present.

As Johnny says this, he sticks his hand in the bag and smiles big. They all pause.

JOHNNY
Damn, I was hoping that would work. I knew that would be too convenient.

JANNEY
What do we do then? Should we guess what he might want?

JOHNNY
Or give everybody a new bike? Ooh, let's give everybody a new bike!

Johnny bounces in his seat. Marc shakes his head.

PETE
We have no idea what we're doing, do we? We'll never get this done in time.

JOHNNY
Wait! I have an idea!

Johnny grabs the bag and runs towards the chimney.

PETE
Johnny, what are you doing?

JOHNNY
Remember all those Santa stories we were told as a kid? He always jumps down the chimney and pulls the present out by the tree.

PETE
Yes... And?

Johnny climbs onto the top of the chimney and jumps in.

MARC
Ten bucks says he gets shot.

PETE
You're on.

INT. BENJAMIN'S LIVING ROOM

Johnny lands at the base of the fireplace. Black smoke billows out and Johnny crawls into the living room. He sees the huge glowing tree and smiles, then crosses his fingers and stuffs his whole arm into the bag. He feels around for a few seconds, then his eyes light up. He pulls out a large present with a name tag that says "Benjamin."

EXT. BENJAMIN'S ROOF

Janney pokes her head into the chimney and looks down. Pete and Marc glance at each other.

PETE
No gun shot yet, Marc.

MARC
Any second, now. It takes time to load a shotgun.

PETE
Right. Now the guy has a shotgun?

MARC
At least in my mind he does, yeah.

JANNEY
Hey guys, I see him! He's waving! I think he's OK!

MARC
Damn! OK, I'll owe ya.

INT. BENJAMIN'S LIVING ROOM

Johnny stops waving up at Janney. He looks around the fireplace for a way to get back up.

JOHNNY
How the hell do I get back up? I hope I don't have to climb. I hate climbing.

Johnny thinks for a second. He tries jumping but that does nothing. He shouts up the chimney.

JOHNNY
Hey, Janney! Does that thing have any rope in there? Or something to get me up?

JANNEY
I'll go look.

Janney runs to the sled. The soot starts to get to Johnny and he sneezes, then rubs his nose. Immediately he's shot up the chimney and lands on the roof next to the sleigh. Everyone, wide eyed, stares at Johnny.

EXT. BENJAMIN'S ROOF

JOHNNY
I'm back.

Marc jumps up, eager to fly to the next house.

MARC
Come on, everybody, let's do this!

Montage sequence of the next three houses. Images of flying, Johnny pulling out presents and fighting a dog away from him, the name list and other such things.

EXT. ROOF OF HOUSE

Eventually, while waiting, Marc decides to turn on the Santa onstar system.

ONSTAR
...242 in sector alpha one niner. Repeat, any available Santa's should go immediately to help finish the route of Santa 242 in sector alpha one niner.

MARC
Hey, everybody! It looks like we have incoming Santa's. Tell Johnny to hurry! We need to get the heck outa here. NOW!

Janney leans into the chimney to shout to Johnny when she sees him run into the fireplace. Johnny looks panicked.

JOHNNY
Get out of the way, I'm coming up!

MANS VOICE
Get back here, you tree napping thief!

Johnny rubs his nose and is propelled up the chimney and into the air. A loud gunshot is heard and he lands next to the sleigh.

JOHNNY
Let's go. Now. Please. Faster!

Pete shakes the reigns and the sleigh launches.

EXT. SKY

JANNEY
What happened?

JOHNNY
Some crazy old man with a shotgun started screaming at me about stealing his tree.

JANNEY
That's terrible.

JOHNNY
I know! I don't look like the Grinch, do I Janney?

Janney shakes her head no.

MARC
(to Pete)
About that ten bucks...

PETE
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll get it tomorrow, Marc.

Seconds later a sleigh flies past them, causing Pete to steer the reindeer towards the ground.

PETE
Brace yourselves, everybody!

EXT. BACKYARD
They land in a large backyard, nearly crashing into the back of the house.

MARC
Another sleigh!

JANNEY
We're going to go to prison on the north pole! My skin can't survive that much cold air, Pete!

PETE
Calm down. We'll be alright. They probably just want their sleigh back.

JOHNNY
Do you know how much greed and violence these people inspire in everyone for months on end? We're so screwed!

A sleigh lands next to them. They all go pale as one of the Santa's walks over to them.

SANTA
Are you guys alright? I didn't see you out there.
They all stare at Santa, none of them move a muscle.

SANTA
I'm Santa 136. You guys did some good work tonight. As far as delivering presents goes. It wasn't anybody's definition of fast, but you all did your best.

JOHNNY
Does that mean we're not going to naughty people prison?

Santa laughs.

SANTA
No, Johnny, no. We're not in the habit of being judge, jury and executioner. OK, so we do tend to judge people, but the worst that happens then is they get coal.

They relax after hearing that.

PETE
What about us, Santa? What happens next?

SANTA
Oh, you all are getting coal, most definitely. Drugging a Santa and taking his sleigh? Definitely coal worthy.

JOHNNY
Isn't there anything we could do to redeem ourselves?

SANTA
It wouldn't be a proper Christmas story if we didn't let you join in, now would it?

JOHNNY
Not at all, Santa! Thank you, Santa. I apologize for Marc not believing in you for all these years.

MARC
So you throw me under the bus like that? You're a great friend, Johnny.

JOHNNY
That's for betting I'd get shot.

SANTA
We'd better get going if we plan on finishing 242's route before morning.

Santa walks back to his sleigh and Pete tugs on the harness, letting the mechanical reindeer it's time to fly.

EXT. ROOF

The sun is starting to rise. Janney is leaning next to the chimney with her arms crossed and yawns. Marc is curled up next to Pete asleep. Johnny pops up the chimney and lands by the sleigh.

JOHNNY
I can't believe we did it. The last name.

PETE
We're not as smooth as the real Santa's but I think we got the job done relatively well.

JOHNNY
C'mon, how else was I supposed to get in that house? There was no chimney?

PETE
Breaking a window?

JOHNNY
Can we just drop it? I left a note explaining everything.

ONSTAR
Rogue sleigh? Are you there, rogue sleigh?

Pete smiles.

PETE
This is rogue leader.

Johnny shakes his head. Johnny and Janney get in the sleigh and they take off.

ONSTAR
This is Santa 136. The Santa's have talked it out and we're going to take the sleigh back ourselves. The elves are still... Angry about what happened earlier. Leave it on your roof and we'll be by soon.

PETE
Copy that, Santa.

EXT. PETE AND JOHNNY'S ROOF

The sleigh lands on their roof and they crawl back in the window. When they get downstairs they see a bunch of new presents under the tree and one big card in front of them.

INT. PETE AND JOHNNY'S HOUSE
JOHNNY

Wow, look at that! They brought us presents after all!
Pete picks up the card and opens it.

PETE
"Thank you for delivering the presents. You four helped make a lot of kids very happy. Never help us again!"

JOHNNY
I wonder what they got us!

Johnny dives for his present and tears the wrapping paper off. The rest follow along with their packages.

EXT. SNOWY FOREST
Back with the snowman narrator, who starts off with a chuckle.

TALKING SNOWMAN
Look at those guys, don't they seem happy? I bet you're wondering what they got from Santa, aren't you? Let's just say it's a good thing we're ending this right now. I hope you all enjoyed my story about the guys that saved Christmas from themselves. And you never know, if you see a dented box or a broken window, Johnny might have delivered your present this year. Merry Christmas, everybody!